I had an easy pregnancy with Lucas, hardly any morning sickness and i still had quite alot of energy the whole way through. I was induced at 36 weeks because of slight bleeding through out the pregnancy but i had no pain, i booked the 8th of may for him to be born but he didnt arrive untill 16:53 on the 9th of may and he was sleeping! i had chose to be on my own for the birth. he weighed 5lb 15.5oz but like any mother i thought he was perfect and he was, i was only in hospital for a few hours and my mum took us home.
Lucas was the youngest of my 3 children so he was spoilt rotten by his bigger sister Emily and brother Brooklyn, they loved him so much and would help out when ever they could, feeding, changing and bathing. Emily was like a second mother to him, she would sneek him chrisps and chocolate when ever she thought she could get away with it, only she never counted on him getting it all round his face when she did, so i always knew she she had.



On the 2nd of december i had gone for a scan with my 4th pregnancy and was told that my baby had died, i was devistated... what i didnt know then was the worsed was yet to happen, i went for an opperation on the 8th of december to remove the fetus that had died and on 10th of december i had beem admitted to hospital for the night because of really bad stomach pains. I was out of hospital on the 11th and i got home about 9am, sunday 11th was like any normal sunday, Brooklyn was living at his dads and i took Emily and Lucas down to the Royal British Legion for a few hours, i think i got there just after 2pm and was picked up by my bestfriend Rhiannon and her boyfriend Steve at just after 5pm, we went home and Rhiannon and Steve stayed for a while. Emily was trying on a new coat that they had bought her for christmas, and wouldnt take it off and Lucas was rolling aroud on the floor laughing and smiling. I think they left just befor 7pm and Rhiannon was comming back round later so i put the kids to bed and played on the computer for a while, I think it was about 9:30pm when i layed on the bed and read for a while and the next thing i remember was being woken up by Rhiannon.......... 



It was about 9am on the 12th of December and Rhiannon had come round that morning to help me with the kids as it was Emilys christmas party at school, she had let her self in as she usually did and had already taken emily down stairs to get her dressed, she must have thought to get the kids up first as she knew i hadnt had much sleep in hospital. Id been so tiered from the night before that i had slept right through the night and i was still dressed!
Rhiannon shouted for me to go and see lucas and she would phone an ambulance, she had gone into Lucas's room and knew that something was wrong just by the way he was laying, he was laying on his front so she turned him over and then she shouted for me... I had gone in to his room and it wasnt until i walked over to his cot and I saw his face that i knew something was really wrong, his face was a gray colour and where he had been lying on one side of it, his cheek had white and purple marks on it. He was so cold to touch and when i picked him up and out of his cot his whole body had seized. people always say that if they saw what i did that morning then they would have screemed and i think i may have said the same, but i didnt, i think it was shock that took over me that morning because i have no idea how i managed to do everything that i did from that day to the day after his funeral.



I dont think it was as hard loosing my son as it was finding him looking like he did that morning. It took 40 minutes for the police to get to me and 45 minutes for the ambulance to get to my house,.. It felt like days! They worked on him for about 30 minutes befor they came in and started to tell me that they had done everything that they could, i told them not to finish thier sentance as i already knew! The paramedics brought him back in to my house and i held him for about an hour, i was holding my sons empty shell.



 That day was the begining of the end for his body, I watched it detiriourate for as long as i could, i went to see him everyday, i talked to him like he was still there and told him stories of when he was born, i didnt tell him so he knew but more so i wouldnt forget, i was so scared that i would forget his little smile or the way he reconised me as his mum, scared that i wouldnt remember the sound of his laugh or the sound of his cry, i told him everything that i could remember about him until i couldnt do it anymore. monday the 9th of January i had his coffin closed, i couldnt see him anymore, his body was slowly changing and it didnt even look like my little boy. The undertakers had to put a cloth over his face as they knew that if id seen him looking like he did that morning then it probably would have killed me. but he was my baby and i still had to be there when his coffin was sealed.

 

His funeral was on the 17th of january 2006, it was as perfect as any funeral could be but i still remember feeling that i wanted to run away and pretent that none of this was happening to me.
There was a part of me that died that morning and apart of me wanted to go with him, he left and went to a better place, its the people that he left behind that suffer without him, i wish there was a reason that he gave up but im sure that the reason will never befound, i just hope that i find the reason that he was given to me in the first place.
 


I love you little man and nothing will ever change that, if you ever find away to come back or let me know that your ok then i'll be here waiting for you! love you always, mummy! (",) x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x






 

We are connected, my child and I,
By an invisible cord, not seen by the eye.

Its not like the cord that conects us at birth,
 This cord cant be seen, by any on earth.

This cord dose its work right from the start,
 It binds us together, attached to our heart.

I know that its there though no one can see,
 this invisible cord, from my child to me.

The strenth of this cord is hard to discribe,
 It cant be destroyed and it cant be denied.

Its stronger than any cord man could create,
 It with stands the test and can hold any weight.

Although that your gone and your not here with me,
 The cord is still here, but no one can see.

It pulls at my heart, i;m bruised and i'm sore,
 But this cord is my lifeline, like never before.

I'm thankful that god, connects us this way,
 A mother and a child......
Death cant take away!...

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories were a lane.
I'd walk right up to heaven,
To bring you home again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say goodbye,
You were gone before i knew it,
And only God knows why?

My heart still aches with sadness,
And secret tears still flow,
What it ment to loose you,
No one will ever know!